Friday, January 15, 2016

Come At Us, Bro



"I'm losing myself, I'm stuck in the moment.
I'm look in the mirror, my only opponent."
~Jay Z




I posted the beginnings of my "The Year of Thirty" list a couple days ago. {You can view the list here.} I've spent 29 years pouring into everyone else's lives and setting no real goals for my own life. I've just been sort of coasting through and hitting the snooze button on God's purposes for me for a very long time now. I never thought I was good enough for God's purposes for me, like I didn't deserve them somehow. The crazy thing is that God's purpose for me IS to pour into other people's lives, I just went about it all wrong. You can read more about that here. Anyway, that's not really the point today. 



My "Year of Thirty" list brought a lot of people out of the woodwork on my Facebook feed. I had friends cheering me on, and I had friends who stated that they want to do something big for a milestone in their lives, but they were just struggling too much to do it. Most of those people messaged me and said stuff like "Go girl! That's amazing! I was just too bummed about turning {insert age here} to celebrate in any big way. But yay you!"



Can I tell you how sad it makes me to see people struggling? I can struggle all the live long day, but watching wonderful, special people hate on themselves makes me want to grab them and shake them and say "YOU! STOP IT! YOU'RE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE!!" 



Now listen, I'm no where {even kind of} close to perfect at this. I have to battle that inner voice of self-loathing every single day. I've spent 99.8% of my life talking myself out of stuff and telling myself that people were only friends with me because they wanted to be nice. When I get an invitation to a party, I still feel like it's a courtesy invitation, NOT that people genuinely wanted my presence there. I have so many people encouraging me, and in my mind I would say to myself "Sure, they're saying nice things because they HAVE to! As my {fill in the blank with whoever said it: husband, child, friend, relative, whatever} they HAVE to say nice things to me, so they don't really mean them." The biggest barrier against me was me.



All these people that messaged me battle themselves too. I see it right in front of me. I can hear it in the apologetic way they speak about themselves. When I call people out on it, and I tell them how much they are loved not only by me, but in a HUGE WAY by Jesus, I can see the confusion on their faces: it doesn't quite compute. They have no idea what to do with it, because it's so contradictory to what's going on in their own brain. It's like a dramatic courtroom bombshell. It shatters everything that the other side is trying to prove.



That garbage in your head? Don't you buy into it, dear one. Don't you do it! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!



That other side? It isn't even you. It's the Enemy. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants to suck the air out of you. He wants you to cope every other way BUT Jesus. He wants you to be defeated. He wants you to lay in bed depressed. He wants you to have panic attacks. He wants you to self soothe in any way that keeps you tethered down so you are incapable of chasing God's purposes for you. 



I was reading the story of Nehemiah yesterday, and it hit me like a train. I've read the story before, but I never had it impact me so hard. If you haven't read it, or you'd like to read it again, you can read it here. I always read the story and thought of Nehemiah's determination in getting that wall built. It is that, but it also means this: when you are taking on God's work, be it a job, a family, volunteering, forgiving, loving, or whatever that looks like for you, others {and by others I mean the Enemy or his work} will work against you in every way possible. Because this isn't just an effort to get you distracted, this is a war to make you stop working for God. These forces against you may come in the form of distraction, but they may also come in the form of threats, abuse, self hatred, etc. By far, the worst one for me has been that nagging, incessant self loathing. When it's someone else, you can walk away, but when it's your own brain, how do you stop that? 



Be Nehemiah. Be stubborn. No matter what, don't stop what you know God has laid out for you. 



"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down." {Nehemiah 6:3}. 

Though I feel like I'm nothing worth celebrating. 

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though I'm another year older and I feel like this wall is never going to get finished because I've accomplished so little.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though I hate myself.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though I wonder if God picked the right person to build this wall.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though I don't know if I have enough bricks.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though I didn't go to wall-building school.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though your desire is to bring harm to me. 

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though you plot against me. 

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though you lie about me. 

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though you make me believe lies about myself.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though you use others to confirm those lies about myself.

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."

Though you put awful ideas about me into me. 

"I am doing a great work and I cannot come down."




Instead of bricking ourselves in with our own walls, we're going to start building God's walls. So come at us bro, because we WILL NOT come down.




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