Tuesday, January 5, 2016

I Get Knocked Down….

Anyone else remember that super weird song from the 90's? No? Just me?

I never liked it when it was on the radio, but it's a great lead in for tonight's blog. C-PTSD is a lot like that song, but in reverse. You get back up again--THEN you get knocked down. Just when you make a breakthrough in recovery, and you think you've got this thing managed…. You just don't. It sucks.

It's so frustrating to take four steps forward, only to take the same four steps back. SQUARE. FREAKING. ONE.

That's what happened to me tonight. One of my recent blogs has started to go viral, and I was feeling on top of the world. Then it happened: I got triggered up and had an awful panic attack, and I wasn't alone. I can write uppity blogs about how I conquer this stuff, but let me just tell you: those blogs are written in pre-blocked off sections of alone time complete with cups of coffee and inspirational playlists. Episodes couldn't be more of an opposite experience. They come out of nowhere, they can happen at anytime, in front of anyone. And as much as I try to learn my triggers and prepare for them, and they are becoming more rare, I can melt down much quicker than Olaf in a microwave.

This gal slid off her rocker tonight. And I'm not talking breathing into a paper bag, I'm talking about an atomic meltdown. To do that in front of someone else {instead of the quiet tip-tapping of my keyboard that happens when I write about it} was…. You know what? There's no word in the English language to complete that sentence. Because the pits of shame and despair are too deep to describe.

But I'm learning to reach out to friends. And I have some of the best ones in the world. I always have, but I haven't always asked for help. I once landed myself on a stretcher picking up a dresser all by myself because I couldn't ask anyone to help me with it. I've made huge progress in asking for help from my gal-pal-tribe. C-PTSD sucks, but my favorite girlfraaaands don't. I'm grateful for that.

I've gotten so many messages and blog comments that I'm a hero for what I write and how I write it, and let me just set the record straight: I am no one's guru, so don't look to me to be your answer. Because I'm not. But Jesus is! Stay tuned for how I dial into Him & continue to figure this mess out!



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