Monday, January 18, 2016

My Inner Jezebel

When I was a little kid, I conditioned to believe that expressing an opinion made me "bossy", and that being "bossy" was the worst case scenario for a girl. So I grew up to be a fun, silly girl, but a girl who knew how to keep her trap shut when the chips were down. I didn't want to grow up to be some pushy, bossy broad. I didn't want to ruffle feathers, rub people the wrong way, or step on their toes. I didn't want to be someone who walked on people, barked orders, or ran people over. 

….and then I grew up. And I became a bossy broad, but not in the way that you think. I think I was afraid to have opinions or take the lead, so I channeled my bossiness into my safest place to do it. In public, I was a fun-loving but passive person who didn't want to make waves. At home, I became that bossy broad to my wonderful, special, amazing husband.  A few years into our marriage, his honey-do list was long, and my patience was short. 

One time I completely lost my sh** over hamburger meat. Let that sink in for a second. HAMBURGER MEAT! Crazy train. I sent him to the store with a list of things, and he brought home 73% ground beef. I was helping him unload the groceries and let out an exasperated sigh when I saw that fatty beef. He looked at me and said "What? What is it? What did I do?" I said "Ugh. Nothing." He touched my arm and said "no really, what is it love?" I said howled "We've been together for YEARS and you STILL don't know what kind of hamburger meat we buy?!"

Y'all. The look on his face still haunts me. In that moment, I started crying and apologizing profusely. It dawned on me that he asked "what did I do?" My first reaction was that he cared nothing about my hamburger meat preferences, so therefore he cared nothing about me. It was my crazy place, because it's totally not true! This was a lie in my mind that I instantly accepted and believed. When I had a minute to think about it, I stopped to absorb the weight of what he asked me: "What did I do?" What did he do? He ran an errand for me. He lightened my load. And what was I? Ungrateful. Rude. No one I'd want to be married to. Bless. He really is a great catch, and he married a heaping bucket of crazy.

I was reading about Jezebel today. I've always associated her name with evil, manipulation, and adultery. But I read this passage, and I was seeing me in her. Ouch. Her dear hubby was trying to get her some land, and came home upset from not being able to adequately do it. Her response is "is this how the king of Israel acts?" I feel bad for Ahab, but I also feel bad for my husband. Hamburger meat unleashed my inner Jezebel. 

Good thing we have Jesus. Jezebel didn't. We can experience the love, grace, and truth that Jesus gives us. He restores us & makes us new. He gives us kindness and love that we can dish out to others. We can replace the rot and decay of anger or frustration we've dished out with that love. We're made in His image, and when we walk in Him, we reflect that image. Jezebel never looked for that. She never experienced the healing power of God. She was all about Baal, a false god her family worshipped. Her god never gave her a chance to be made new. 

I saw this quote floating around Facebook this week: "I want every little girl who's told she's bossy to be told instead she has great leadership skills." Me too. I never learned how to use my voice in the public arena, so all that pent up emotion leaked out on my husband in a U-G-L-Y way. I am so relieved that we have a God who desires us to be confident in His purposes, which can include pushing and leading--bossiness isn't all bad! Ladies, our leadership can be glorifying to Him! But He also freely gives grace when our bossiness turns into something that no longer brings Him glory. And I praise Him for that!

There's a difference between being a boss and being a b****. I'm leaning on Jesus every day to help me walk that line without going into Jezebel territory. I'm learning the difference. I'm always asking myself, "is this for me or for God?" Sweet sisters, my sincerest prayer is that we are able to carry forth His purposes for us, and lead others to do the same. So if you're in that board room, heading up that event, or sharing your expertise, hold your head high and own it #LikeABoss. Because you are! You are His masterpiece. You're made in His image. You have something to contribute. He wouldn't have created you with your unique gifts if He didn't want you to use them! We have the potential to bring such glory to His name. So, go get it girl! 

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