Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Not Fully Living

Can I just be really honest? I've been hitting the snooze button on my life for a long time now. My whole life, in fact. I turn 30 next this year, and I've realized I have spent all 30 years living for someone else. When I was a child, let's just say I didn't really have the best life. But when holidays and gatherings would roll around, I'd come out in a fresh outfit, hair clean and shiny, ready for a performance. It wasn't a performance I wanted to do, and I wasn't wearing what I wanted to wear, but I'd get up in front of relatives and recite this poem flawlessly, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. I was maybe 3 or 4.



My mother's reputation and happiness rested entirely on my shoulders, and I had only one job to do with her: "baby girl, make me look good!" But at home, I was nothing like the spunky, silly little girl that everyone else saw in public. My home life was nothing like that, and I really do wish the worst parts were just about performance pressure. But I did learn is that I better be pleasin' to people before I walked out the door. So I did. I was fun and bubbly and giggly, and I played that part quite well.



You've heard of the "resting bitch face?" Well, I have "resting smiling face." When I don't smile, it's unnerving to people who know me. I can just be tired, but to them it must be the end of the world. When people find out that I struggle with PTSD and depression, they always look at me {aghast} and say: "but you always look so happy!" Fooled ya, didn't I? Because most days I can barely keep my head above water.



I left home at 17, went to college at 18, and had a child at 19. I never really learned how to fully live or even what my own interests/talents are. I'm just going to recap my 20's for those of you in a similar position:


  • I lost weight, and gained a ton.
  • I grieved my childhood, and gave my son one.
  • I made the best friends of my life, and I never felt so alone.
  • I was hurting, and I was healing.
  • I didn't discover my dreams, and I helped my wonderful husband chase his.
  • I loved, and I lost.
  • I grew, but I shrank back.
  • I stepped out of my comfort zone, panicked, and crawled right back under the covers with Netflix.
  • I experienced brokenness and beauty. 
  • I held grudges and I forgave.
  • I was stagnant and I made great progress.



I'm ready for a comeback in my 30's. I'm not sure which direction they'll take or what my goals will be, but I now know that I'm worth something. I'm worth what my dreams and goals are about. But most importantly: I learned to empower myself, and to trust God with how it all turns out. My past is part of my story, but it doesn't define who I am. Same goes for you.





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