Wednesday, May 25, 2016

To the One Confused By People

Hey you,

I'm personally walking out of a season that shattered every last little bit of my heart. People from all corners have deeply, deeply, hurt me. It's been 2+ years of stuff so ugly… so devastating… I can't even begin to put words to it. Let's just say I ended up very dazed and confused. Life tackled me, and as hard as I've tried to get up, I got my bell rung so hard that I just couldn't function. I have felt absolutely hopeless, empty, humiliated, lonely, betrayed, and even violated. I have felt deceived and foolish. Why didn't I see this coming sooner? At least then I could've put on my armor and fought against it. 

I have had days of seething rage. I have had days of crawling in my bed, pulling the covers over my head, and CRYING OUT for some kind of answer. Any answer! "Why did this happen to me, God? Why can't I just get past it? Why am I still struggling? Why do the hits keep on coming? I just don't understand! Give me something, anything… Any wisdom or lesson here would be wonderful! I just want some semblance of understanding." All I heard was radio silence. Zilch. Nothing. Nada. I've never been more lost or confused.

Relate? If so, pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and let's have a chat. 

I don't know why you find yourself confused by people right now. Maybe the one who made vows to love you until death decided to renege on their end of the deal. Maybe a coworker threw you under the bus and you ended up unemployed & worried about how your bills will get paid. Maybe people you thought were your friends turned out to be your enemies. Maybe you were victimized by an attacker. Maybe someone stole your dream. I don't know who hurt you, but I do know that not having answers about this can feel like the most defeating thing in the world. 

It's been in this tumultuous season of my life that I have felt God come lay down beside me. It's not something I can readily explain, but though I haven't gotten answers from him, I just FEEL Him there with me. 

"Be gracious to me, O God!
Though man has crushed me, 
fighting all day he oppresses me, 
My foes trample me all day. 
For many are fighting me arrogantly.
In a day when I am afraid, 
I will put my trust in you.
In God--I will keep praising His word--
in God I trust, I will not fear.
What can mere flesh do to me?
All day they twist my words.
All their thoughts are against me for evil.
They stir up strife; they lie hidden.
You have recorded my wanderings,
You put my tears in Your bottle." 
Psalm 56: 1-8

Did you get that? God stores your tears in jars. When your heart breaks, His also breaks for you. And though people may fail you, your God never, ever will. He is not only willing, but eager to hold you and catch your tears. That is how much you matter to Him, sweet one. 

You may be saying "OK, yeah yeah yeah I get it. God loves me, BLAH BLAH BLAH… and he "cares" about my pain, then why isn't He giving me answers about it? Why is He making me wrestle with this confusion? If I could just understand it, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much."

"Trust in the LORD your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." 
Proverbs 3:5

Maybe, just maybe, understanding would make it hurt less, but it wouldn't draw you close to Him. Maybe He wants so badly to just HOLD YOU. Maybe He wants to protect you from your "understanding". Your "understanding" of people failing you leads to bitterness, grudges, hatred, a heart full of malice, and ultimately--self destruction. 

Darlin', I want to challenge you. I want you to lay down your need for understanding at His feet and open your broken heart to Him. Let Him wrap His arms around you and give you a hug so big that it not only comforts you, but it heals you. Embrace Him and trust Him when he doesn't give you the answers you want, and allow His peace {that surpasses all understanding} to wash over you. 


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