Tuesday, July 19, 2016

To the Overwhelmed One

Hey y'all. Did you miss me? I haven't been writing for a long while because to be completely honest, I have been completely overwhelmed. So hey, my name is Sara and I am an emotional hot mess right now. 

Something told me to write about this because I feel like lots of y'all can relate.

One moment you are conquering life. Killing it. Slaying all the dragons in your world. The next, you feel a massive meltdown as you watch your to-do list fall completely apart.

-OR-, one moment you're in prayer, feeling the presence of God right there with you. The next, you try to feel Him, but all you feel is radio static. Silence. Nothing. Nada. 

-OR-, one moment you feel so encouraged, with an overflowing grateful heart. The next, the emptiness of discouragement and weight of depression almost crushes you.

One minute you're fantastic. The next, you're falling apart.

Isn't life like that sometimes? It has been for me for the last few months. I'm searching for stability and stillness, and I just can't find it. Why can't I just be secure?

Secure in my purpose.
Secure in my aspirations.
Secure in my emotions.
Secure in my relationship with my great God.
Just secure. Stable. Still.

Even now, as I'm tip-tapping away typing this, my emotions are all over the place. I'm writing about stability, and I STILL can't find it. I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Actual tears. A lot of tears. Why? I'm just overwhelmed!

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that the simplest tasks feel like massive burdens. 
Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that my heart just isn't invested in things like it once was.
Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that it is impossible to keep my emotions in check.

I feel too much. I hurt too much. I stress too much. Relate? For people like us, it's so easy to let emotions drive us, not the other way around. Letting our emotions dictate our state of being makes life so overwhelming… and exhausting… and just not satisfying. 

The things that used to bring us joy, people we love, tasks that make us proud, our passions, our hobbies, our dreams… They can feel like a ton of bricks pulling us under sometimes. The dishes. The laundry. The early mornings. The tight schedules. The grocery shopping. The church service we'd really just rather not do {come on, let's be real here}.

For realz. It's so hard to DO IT ALL. It's even harder to do it all with a happy heart

It also doesn't help that I'm an obsessive, instant gratification type of person. I want to do it all, and have it done RIGHT NOW. RIGHT THIS MINUTE. It's extremely difficult for me to take small steps towards a large goal. I just want to take all the steps at once and just GET. IT. DONE. When I can't, {which, I never can} I feel defeated. When I think about going back to school for my masters, I just want to fast forward to graduation. When I think about God using me, I expect Him to use me in a HUGE way right away.  When I want to change my physical health, I go very extreme wanting results right away. When faced with the work necessary to get my book published, I want it finished NOW. So I work until 4am for a few days and end up exhausted and burned out very, very quickly. And then I fail. I fail a lot. That inner voice tells me that if I'm not succeeding at what I want finished, then I am worth nothing. Then I'm overwhelmed again. And the thought of being overwhelmed is overwhelming. I'm literally overwhelmed at being overwhelmed. Lather rinse repeat over & over. The struggle is so real.

Where does all this nonsense come from?

I think it comes from the need to BE SOMEBODY. To make our mark on society. To have worth. To be whole. To be enough.

I think we feel like being overwhelmed isn't a choice. But, dear ones, we do choose it, even if it's not a completely conscious decision. We don't have to be overwhelmed. We don't have to be emotional hot messes. We don't have to place all this pressure on ourselves. We don't. 

You know how we can change it?

What if we listened, really {actually} listened, to what He has told us over & over?

He has told us that He loved us before we loved Him.

{Ephesians 2:4-5} 

He has told us that He rejoices over us with singing. 

{Zephaniah 3:17}

He has told us that He doesn't need us, but He still chooses us.
{Acts 17: 24-26}

He has told us that we have worth independent from our deeds.
{Titus 3:5}

He has told us He loved us at our darkest.
{Romans 5:8}

He has told us to NOT BE overwhelmed, but to find rest in His love.
{Psalm 46:10}

He has told us that He chooses peace, not pain or pressure, for us.
{Philippians 4:8}

He tells us to come release all that overwhelming emotion to Him.
{1 Peter 5:7}

He has told us that He is all we need.
{Philippians 4:19-20, Psalm 27:1}

Basically, He wants us to be overwhelmed, but not by the ways of this world. What He ACTUALLY wants us to be overwhelmed by the radical, incomprehensible, overwhelming love He has for us.

Y'all. He wants us to be overwhelmed by his goodness {Galatians 5:22}. Goodness. Not the fear, worry, depression, anxiety, stress, anguish, or any bad place of this world that we choose to stay in. He wants us to rest at His feet, thinking about the landslide of love shown at the cross. 

I'm tired of trying to find my worth in this world. Not only is it not biblical, it's just not practical. It won't work. I want to die to myself. I want more of Him, less of me. Because there, sweet ones, is the stillness and peace we crave.