OK, loves. This is going to be a tough one, so go ahead and take a pee break or top off your coffees before you dig in. K? We good now? OK let's go.
I started writing this blog to simultaneously connect with people whilst remaining in my sweatpants. Multitasking, y'all.
I got some hate mail on my blog's Facebook page this morning. This person sent me an extremely hateful message and her words included the phrases "your husband only married you because you were pregnant" and "quit your bitching" and "you are the problem".
WHOA. Maybe instead of a coffee break I should've called for a break for an early happy hour. I don't need any help thinking this crap, y'all. My depressed self-loathing brain comes up with this stuff all on its own. I have days of hot mess-dom that have no origin at all. Sometimes I have absolute meltdowns over spilling my drink. I will curl up and cry--completely immobilized… debilitated. My husband will say to me "it's OK babe… it's just spilled water" and I will say "IT'S NOT THE WATER CUP. MY WHOLE LIFE IS FALLING APART." He just stands there scratching his head confused. I know. I don't get it either.
I often have days of sadness and curling up in the fetal position because… Y'ALL. I AM A HOT MESS. There's no other way to explain it. They don't call me The Messy Mrs for nothing.
If you're someone who doesn't GET what I write about… the real life… the grit… the struggle… dare I say? DEPRESSION--Well, I am so dang glad you don't get it. It's brutal. And confusing. And exhausting. And contrite. And just endless.
I have such a difficult time figuring out how much of my struggle is depression and how much of it is just the normal ebbs and flows of life everyone deals with. It doesn't help that I am just an emotional creature. I just am. Whatever I feel is MAGNIFIED. The highs are HIGH and the lows are LOW. Joy feels like euphoria. Sadness feels like absolute devastation. Whatever thoughts cross my mind become absolute obsessions. When I say I obsess, I mean I OBSESS. I spend 17 hours looking up Amazon reviews for the best $3 ice scraper for my windshield. I can feel people getting sick of hearing me obsess, but I just cannot stop. Pray for my husband, y'all. Bless him. I am a platinum frequent flier of the strugglebus… this bus often drags my husband behind it. I feel guilty about what he has to deal with being married to me, so I automatically assume he wants to leave me because I desperately wish I could leave me. I am a handful. Lawd. I'm lucky he loves when in the highs and the lows. I have to relearn this all the time.
I so wish I was the easy-peasy-roll-with-the-punches-type. I am just not. I have tried to be, but I just cannot. I am quick to hug, and I am quick to cry. I am quick to love, but I am also quick to anger. I spiral intensely downward for reasons I rarely figure out. I attach to people's stories of sadness and make it MY RESPONSIBILITY to fix it. I cannot be bothered to balance a checkbook, but I am balancing the emotions of dozens of my friends.
I was just crawling out of the hole when this person wrote this to me. I was on the upswing and not paralyzed with pain this morning and then I read this message.
I sat there staring at it for a solid 20 minutes not knowing what to feel about what was said. I struggle hard enough to understand what goes on in my OWN HEAD, I have no room left with figuring out how to deal with HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL about what I say about it. None.
But, whatever y'all. I can't even with some people. I have enough yucky, murky, dark, fragility in my own genetic code. My seratonin levels already struggle enough. Sometimes this murk is lower than low and sometimes it's just number than numb. I'm lucky today was leaning more towards numb when I read this message. Normally, criticisms like this hit me HARD. But today... I have no hoots left to give, y'all. Haters gonna hate.
I wrote this piece today just for the people who get haters like this. I don't want you to believe what they say to you. You don't need help thinking less of yourself. I don't want you to walk that road alone. Because if you're alone, you'll be tempted to believe the lies. And that's what this hate is--LIES.
I do have all the hoots in the world for people who get my struggle. If that's you, you have been blessed with a burden, my love. You are mentally different. Read more about that here. You feel more. You're acutely more aware of the pain around you. No one loves harder than you. No one cares more than you. The struggle is a fire that can consume you, but you can also use your fire to light up the world. #AllTheFeelz, yep that's you.
If anyone hates on you for that, just know that
- THEY DON'T GET IT.
- THEY DON'T DEFINE YOU.
- I GET IT.
- I HAVE A LOT OF HOOTS FOR YOU--I'M IN THIS WITH YOU.
- I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME.